Saturday, 20 August 2016

Garden Update, or When Hermit Crabs Eat Everything




I've never been much of a gardener, I'll be honest.  I've been learning on my feet since being out here and attempting, for the first time, to grow my own food.  And I've stumbled across the regular obstacles.  I've had to deal with crappy soil, white flies on my tomatoes, grubs in my capsicums, giant grasshoppers munching on my kale, leaf miners, salt air, strong winds across the sea, no rain... and on and on and on the list goes. Tropical island gardening is no joke you guys.

But one thing I was not expecting is the hermit crabs.  These guys eat EVERYTHING.  And the fuckers are kamikazes too - I've had to reach up higher than my head to pick them off the top of my tomato trellis.  The other day I swear one dropped out of a tree and into my rocket.  And I'm talking about a big, huge, jungle tree.  A towering, Tarzan tree and this little guy just climbed all the way up to the top and then let the fuck go just to get a feed of my salad greens.  No mean feat.  And while we're on the topic, these guys get big.  Like, don't want to get in their way or they'll eat my fingers big.  Like, the size of my foot eat my eyeballs for an entree big.


kamikaze hermit crab climbing on my tomatoes
giant hermit crab who wants to eat my foot for breakfast

And because I've never had a garden on a tropical island where there are a gazillion hermit crabs to eat all my produce before I have no idea what to do about it.

So I did what anyone would do and I asked Uncle Google.

Well...

Google has all sorts of ideas about what to feed your hermit crabs and what not to feed your hermit crabs and why they're awesome pets.  Google tells me what kind of moss is good for hermit crabs and what kind of sand is good for hermit crabs and how to make climbing toys for hermit crabs and how to spoil my hermit crabs.  It tells me how long a hermit crab can live for and how they mate and whether you can eat a hermit crabs.  Google even tells me 7 reasons to never buy a hermit crab.  What google doesn't seem to tell me is how the fuck to get hermit crabs out of my garden.

Yup.  It turns out hermit crabs are super cool pets and everyone should have one and they're really easy to look after cos you can feed them anything from your garden...


hermit crab playing dead pretending it wasn't him eating my rocket
hermit crab party

Does anyone else have hermit crabs gobbling up their garden?  Solutions?

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